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Barb's Blog


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Out of Commission

Posted on February 25, 2014 at 12:00 AM Comments comments (1)

It's been a difficult time. My twin sister passed away on December 27th, surrounded by her family. I held her hand for much of the night. You think you are prepared, well, at least, I thought I was, but really how can you prepare to lose someone who is a part of you? I miss her so much. Her laugh, being able to call her, stop by and see her beautiful face. I NEED to know that she is somewhere and is okay! We talked about her trying to leave me signs, if she could. I have been finding a lot of dimes lately, I wonder if that is her?

I have this feeling of disconnect, fuzzy brained, like I forgot something, but don't know what.

I ended up in intensive care myself, in December. I had respiratory arrest and had a machine breathing for me for a few days. I think it was a reaction to some new medication, which I am no longer taking, thank you very much! I feel like I have lost a lot of get up and go, tire easily, when I do have any energy, which isn't often. Poor Tom, I rely on him more and more. 

Birthday Celebration Time

Posted on March 6, 2013 at 4:40 AM Comments comments (0)

March 6th-it's our birthday! My twin sister and I are the ripe old age of 61. I am so glad we are celebrating it together!

A lot of people have to search for a best friend-I was fortunate; mine was born along side of me! We "get" each other and most of the time, not a  lot of words are needed between us. A certain look or laugh can say so much to each other.

Though my twin has a terminal illness, she ran circles around me last week. We went shopping several times, she has many projects planned or is bouncing ideas off me for other plans.We watch home remodeling shows and real estate shows, where families are searching too buy a home. We have a running commentary on our likes and dislikes and which homes we think they should buy. We make lunch and eat sweets. We talk of the happy and sad things going on in our children's and grandchildren's lives.

In the afternoon, she'll grab the couch and I'll grab the loveseat and we will take an afternoon nap Her poor husband comes home from work and tippy toes around us, til we wake up. I'm loving our time together.

Being The Last To Know

Posted on December 22, 2012 at 12:45 AM Comments comments (0)

I am seeing red! For those of you not familiar with that expression, let me enlighten you- I am very angry!

Look, I get it that the younger people like to post their entire life on facebook, as if it were a diary. However, I really do believe that there be respect for your family members. What I mean is, family members should hear important news from you, in person, before you post it on facebook! Did my grandson call me or come by to tell me the monumental news that I was going to be a great grandma for the first time? He did not. I read the news on facebook. Did he call me or come by to tell me that my 3 month old great grandson was in the hospital with pneumonia? He did not. I read the news on facebook. Did he call or come by to tell me that my great grandson was better and home from the hospital? He did not. I read it on facebook. I have a facebook account. I post photos and minor updates, so it's not like I am not acquainted with the concept. I just believe family members should hear the important news first, BEFORE it's up on facebook. I don't like feeling I am the last to know anything about my family. End of rant.

live, love and laugh-


Attempting To Accept The Unacceptable

Posted on December 14, 2012 at 2:05 PM Comments comments (0)

It was June or July of this year, when my twin sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We had an idea what was in store, as our Mom passed away of the same disease at 55 years of age. Not a pretty picture. After being told about surgery and chemotherapy, my sister decided to have neither one. I understand her decision thoroughly. She would go into surgery with no idea how much of her body they would remove. Ovaries, uterus, bladder, colon, etc. After trying to recover from that, chemo would introduce chemicals into her body, that would or could cause her hair to fall out, cause vomiting, neuropathy in her hands, legs, feet, that could become permanent. I use the word permanent loosely, as after all of this, she would not be cured. What she would be doing is getting a little more time to suffer all of this. Quality time is what she wants, not quantity. And so, she and her husband went to New Orleans for five days. They went to Disneyland for two days. They went to the river for three days. They have dined with friends and relatives. Visited with friends and relatives. I am sure she has enjoyed it all. I want her to have much laughter and no worries. As much as it is in my power to provide those things, I will. She is my twin sister and I would do anything for her. Anything. I wish I could take this disease from her body. Beat it up. Kick its ass. I'd do it in a heart beat. But I can't. What I can do, is clean her house, do her laundry, run errands,  and cook. I know she is terrified by what she is facing. I am, too. I will talk with her, show her my empathy and sympathy, try to make her laugh and hold her and hug her and just, be, with her. I love her so, so much.

Oh, The Joy Of Old Photos

Posted on November 20, 2012 at 3:40 AM Comments comments (1)

My little brother, who isn't so little anymore, has acquired a disc with about 2500, yes, that's tewnty-five hundred, photos from our childhood. While I think the rest of the kids in my family look darling as children, me, not so much. It was bad enough to have to look at myself in a mirror those many moons ago, but to be subjected to having to see what I looked like, once again? I call a foul! I am posting a few below, for your amusement!




Capitalizing On My Pain?

Posted on November 14, 2012 at 3:45 PM Comments comments (0)

Three to five days before it is going to rain, I get the most intense pain in my back and down my leg, into my left foot, than I ever have on a daily basis. It seems to me that there must be some way I can make money predicting the showers. It's a guaranteed forecast with me, but I haven't figured out how to use it financially. There ought to be some silver lining in this cloud, somehow. Oh, by the way, it's going to rain in about three days. Just so ya' know. 

I keep getting these ads and pamphlets for colon cleansers. Just how are these companies figuring I need their product? It amazes me! I haven't looked up any info on the internet. I feel like Big Brother is in my bathroom! Oh, I'm not saying I couldn't use the product, but how do they know? I'm starting to feel a little paranoid everytime I go into the bathroom. Where's the hidden camera? Can my neighbors hear through the walls? They are very thin walls! Are they getting a commission on my misery? All I gotta' say is, they ought to split it with me! See, someone has figured out how to capitalize on my pain!



Laziness or Re-grouping?

Posted on September 14, 2012 at 1:25 AM Comments comments (0)

My three day per week nanny position ended a few weeks ago. I find myself laying about more and more. It feels wonderful, fantastic, yet, I feel guilty for doing it. Shouldn't there be SOMETHING else I should be doing? And then, I berate myself for feeling guilty. I deserve to give myself any and all breaks I need. Chronic pain tires a person out, big time. Considering all my body has been through, I do more than my fair share of chores and errands.

From this day foreward, I resolve not to feel guilty, for taking time to lay down, taking time to read a book, (I've read 5 books in the last two weeks!) or any other activity that used to make me feel guilty! I am letting go of shoulds and shouldn'ts!

I live in Southern California and it has been hot here! When I was younger, i loved the summer and heat never bothered me. Not so, these days. I wilt the minute I am outside. I do not remember sweating so much, when I was younger. Is my memory faulty or is increased sweating another joy of getting on in years? 

I mean, I have already experienced the hot flashes of menopause.  No one prepared me for those lovely changes that made me feel like my body was a heat seeking missle! I wouldn't call them hot flashes. That makes it sound like they are, oh, so, brief! You know, "FLASH" and it's over. Let me tell you, they went on and on and on! There were times I stuck  my head in the freezer, seeking relief. Or shed my clothes and jumped in a cold shower. Or put ice in a baggy and applied it to my forehead, stomach and back. These were POWER SURGES! Feeling like I was burning up, from the inside out. Sweat on my neck, stomach and back, with my pants becoming soaked around the waist! Just one of those little joys of getting older.

And what is with this sudden problem when I sneeze or cough? I don't care if I just emptied my bladder ten minutes ago! Cough or sneeze and I hold myself, like I am three years old, trying to get to the bathroom, before I pee my pants!  I feel like my body is totally betraying me. I thought I knew it so well, but find out we are complete strangers! It's like the woman, married 25 years, laying in bed listening to her husband snore and fart in his sleep, wondering, what the hell?! I thought he was so dashing and had such class! Oh, the joy of getting older. But, I guess it beats the alternative all to hell.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH-eyepoetress

Devastating News

Posted on August 31, 2012 at 11:00 PM Comments comments (1)

I cannot speak for all twins, but my twin sister and I are very close. It feels like she is the other half of me.

Any time something great is happening in my life, Sue is the one I call. When things are bad, who do I call for moral support? Sue.

We both have a sarcastic sense of humor. She 'gets" me and I "get" her.

When I was very sick and couldn't fathom having the strength to make a phone call, Sue did the research, to find they type of doctor I needed. She made the appointment and drove me to the office. I was so weak and I leaned on her for support, to walk in. She spoke for me, when I was too weak, to speak.

We have such a history together.

And now, I have to deal with the fact, that I am going to lose her, to the insidious disease of ovarian cancer. I would take it from her, if I could. I want to beat the shit out of it, as I did anyone who bothered her, when we were little.

It breaks my heart that she has to endure the terrifying fear of what is to come.

I cannot imagine a world without her in it.

Sue, I love you, so much. 


Posted on July 23, 2012 at 8:35 PM Comments comments (0)

If you have read past blogs, I wrote of needing a car, after I had hit a deer. I put my mind in overdrive and came up with a plan.

For two weeks, I emailed, texted or called every ad on Craigslist for cars selling at $1800 or less. I explained my situation and my need to make payments, with a down payment of $500.00. Two people were willing to do it, if I could pay a bigger down payment. $500.00 was really a stretch for me to come up with, so I had to pass on them.

At the end of the two weeks, I got a text, telling me to call regarding a car. I did and found out this person had a 1999 Buick Century for sale. He would accept the $500.00 down and take monthly payments.

I was, cautiously, excited, but have to admit, my thoughts were on the order of, it's a clunker, barely drives, etc., etc. You can imagine my utter delight, when I drove up and saw a very clean looking car, inside and out! I took it for a spin on side streets and the freeway. It drove great!

So, that is how, with the help of an angel named, Rudy, I was able to get a good car and pick up more babysitting jobs!

I paid it off and it's all mine!

Angels are out there!

Live, Love and Laugh!


Fast Forward

Posted on July 23, 2012 at 8:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Keep fast forwarding til you come to July 23, 2012! The older I am, the faster time flies! Or is it that I am so slow, it takes me forever to get things done?

I am going to make an extra big effort to keep up with this blog, even if I am the only one reading it!

I have spent a lot of my time babysitting. I have the little boy three afternoons a week and I picked up 6 families, for who I do date night sitting. With that many families, I am booked just about every weekend. Truthfully, it takes a toll on my health and I don't know how much longer I will be doing it.

For too many months, I was in more and more pain. It got to the point, pain would awaken me and I would be in tears. I could hardly get out of bed. I would hobble to the bathroom, barely standing. I am happy to say, that pain was improved by the purchase of a new bed. Not that I could afford one, but my loving twin sister bought it for me, when she heard what I was going through. I had no idea a crummy bed could cause that much pain. And a big thanks to my physician's assistant, who recommended Overstock.com! This past year, I was diagnosed with osteopourosis. With all my back and neck problems, it didn't come as a shock, though, seeing the x-rays was a bit shocking. Looked like fine lace! Chronic pain tires one out and it takes everything in me to accomplish the things I do, but the idea of being in bed most of the time?? I just couldn't deal with that! I was bedridden for 3 years and there is no way I am going to be in that position, again! Not willingly and not quietly! So, my stubbornness has, finally, come in handy! Live, Love and Laugh!