My life didn't turn out, as I'd planned;
The biggest understatement in all the land.
Here I am, aged fifty-eight
and some days, getting out of bed, fills my plate.
Me, who used to multitask, three things at a time,
have to find satisfaction, if I can get two words to rhyme.
I use much inner strength to accomplish the things I do,
many times, pushing myself further, too.
I need to be more self-forgiving,
when I can't do the tasks of daily living.
Thirty years ago, I never would have thought,
chronic pain and disability would be my lot.
No matter what you think, plan and do,
fate steps in and changes everything for you.
Oh, for years, I fought my fate,
"accepting" it, at a rather late date.
Though, I morn those days of old,
I still feel blessed, truth be told,
because I've learned a lesson, terse,
things could always...be worse!
When the pain is more, than I can bear,
I travel to the island, that we share.
A tropical, sunny, deserted land,
where we stroll on the shore, hand in hand.
I see your love for me in your eyes,
shining brighter, than the stars in the skies
and I, surely, cannot see,
how any happier, I could be.
We dive into the briny sea,
then, your arms encircle me.
We swim into the still, calm bay
and my love for you, takes my breath away.
I watch you swim and dive,
so happy, you are by my side.
I can't remember life, before you,
the depth of my love, I wish you knew.
We lie in the warm sand,
masters of our very own land.
As we dry, in the sun,
we are together, two, as one.
We take a leisurely stroll to the waterfall,
so beautiful, majestic-all,
where, below, there is a pool, so clear,
with colorful birds singing near.
Your beautiful eyes, the window to your soul,
reflect how I feel so whole,
on this island that we share,
oh, how I wish we really lived there.
A place, where I don't have to wish, in vain,
for a body, without any pain.
It feels like pain, is all I know
and my tears just flow and flow.
Oh, give me that beautiful land,
where we stroll, hand in hand;
swimming and diving in the briny sea,
just my heart's true love and me.
Those positive thinkers, you know the type;
what you think, is what you'll manifest,
that like brings like,
just put yourself on a positive quest.
If they think it ever entered my mind
of being temporarily or permanently disabled
and being in pain, so much of the time
or wanting to be handicapped labeled,
or that I wouldn't be able to go to the store
and not be able to stand up very long
or get up to answer a knock at my door
and feel from the world, so withdrawn;
if they think I wanted to lose all of my friends
and lose so much of ME
or want to see so many medical men
and have to see the looks of pity;
they need to change what they think,
because, never did I entertain the thought
and I'll write it in big, black ink,
I'M POSITIVE, IT'S NEGATIVE, TO SAY IT'S MY FAULT!
Behind the flaming arrows of insults
and periodic declarations of war,
they realized true domestic hiss!
Ghosts on Exhibition
in precious, old photographs;
How it pleases me, erases all anxieties,
deeply satisfying an in-nameable something in my being.
My special place is a jagged cliff above the sea,
where, below, the waves crash against the rocks.
I find an eroded nook in the hard packed, sandy cliff,
that contours to the shape of me.
Seagulls rest here, within a few feet of me and I watch them, patiently.
Out in the distance, a boat, with big, billowing sails,
brings to mind days of old, when wind was the only means of propulsion.
Bringing me out of my reverie, ninety degrees to the left,
I see modern boats, with engines, full of sight-seers, taking the coastline tour.
Closer to shore, two boys are snorkeling,
their bodies reminding me of apple bobbing on Halloween.
The sound of the waves crashing
and the sweeter sound in-between,
are a part of nature's music,
a most beautiful melody.
Faintly, I hear children,
laughing and squealing,
as they tease the sea,
then, turn around, running for shore,
as waves get above their knees.
I unwrap a loaf of bread, laughing,
as seagull heads turn,
however, they remain seated,
as if not wanting to assume a thing.
As I break off pieces, tossing them at their feet,
they begin to vie for best position,
the biggest gull pecking the others with his beak.
Other seagulls soon join us-
(I'm having so much fun!).
I give each his share, scolding greedy gulls, that fuss.
Just before leaving, I gaze around,
making a promise to be good to me...
to come here more often,
to My Special Place,
the nook, in the jagged cliff,
above the sea.
To Feel Your Embrace
Years, since our days of bread and wine,
but, each and every day,
thoughts of you enter my mind.
I don't think they'll ever go away.
There is a hole in my heart,
that only your presence can fill.
You took the biggest part,
what's left is next to nil.
I have a longing in my soul,
as if, I'm missing a piece of myself.
It's taken its toll
on already, fragile health.
Missing you brings tears to my eyes,
as I question the powers that be.
I need answers to my whys,
it would take someone wiser than me.
I just feel so empty, since you left,
no one can ever take your place.
You have me feeling so bereft,
I'd give anything to feel your embrace.
Happy Birthday, Sue
When the universe posts its entry of this lifespan, that we share,
on the page that I am given, you will be there.
I will write the truth in each and every line,
how you, generously, gave of your heart and tended to mine.
In countless ways, you gave an assist,
it would take a book, to hold the long list.
You fought my battles, when I was too weak,
you spoke for me, when I couldn't speak.
The whole world will see, in the words that flow from my pen,
with you for a sister, how blessed I have been.
To Janie (2004)
On that first Christmas, three men, wise and bold,
traveled to Bethlehem bearing gifts of frankincense, myrrh and gold.
On this Christmas, many years later, I have much to be thankful for-
my own home, my family, my friends, but, I want to write
of my sister, Janie, who I miss and adore.
She has bestowed upon me, the everlasting gift
of happy childhood memories, that I can look back on,
when I need a lift, from blue, dreary days.
I can think back, to exciting Sunday drives
the day stretching before us,
as long as the road we were driving on.
With the sun, bright and warm
and the wind, blowing our hair,
as we drove with all the windows down.
The radio would be blasting, loudly,
all the popular songs
and we all sang along.
All the many, many trips to the beach,
riding the ferry, body surfing the waves,
eating tuna sandwiches, with Fritos, of course!
Then, Janie would look at her watch,
sure to get us home in time for Mickey Mouse Club,
our heroes, Annette, Spin and Marty!
I can laugh, as my mind's eye, conjures up the spectacle
of me, holding on for dear life,
as we galloped across the corral on her first horse.
There was the time her horse stood on my foot,
turning it black and blue
and she let me stay home from school.
I can laugh, now, that she didn't know
giving orange juice to a tonsillectomy patient,
would burn like hell!
At thirteen, when I thought I knew the ways of men,
she extricated me out of a dangerous situation.
Seeing how scared I was, she didn't even lecture.
When she married at eighteen, moving out of our house,
it put a big hole in my life and heart,
but, over the years, we've always stayed close.
I can talk to her about anything,
she never judges me, just listens
and gives good advice.
She has the greatest sense of humor,
when we're together, there's ALWAYS much laughter-
I think we can be heard for miles around!
Visiting her, truly warms my heart and soul.
It may sound corny, but, when I am feeling empty,
she makes me feel full.
This Christmas, money is tight all around,
so I wanted to write this poem,
as my gift to her.
All year long, she gives of herself,
as my sister and not only that,
she's my friend.